Influence vs. Power: How to quickly build
connections with others
Sandra Vesterstein
Relationship Building - Rapport and Connection
"The internal sense of one person can communicate with that of another without the intervention of nerve impulses or any other physiological process. The effects of the movements of the nerves, modified in the brain by thought, can extend themselves to indefinite distances without the assistance of the air or the ether and make an immediate connection with the internal sense of another person. In this way, the wills of two persons can communicate through their internal senses. This relationship is called rapport." - Franz Mesmer
Rapport
When we use the word rapport we mean understanding and appreciating another human being's model of the world (their way of organizing reality) and communicating that understanding and appreciation to them in such a way that trust is established.
Rapport is a relationship based on:
Commonality
Understanding
Appreciation
Trust
Pacing Experience
Each person is an individually organized "reality." There are no two people with the same reality.
Our concepts of reality are usually out of consciousness.
To understand another person from their point of view, we must be able to walk in their shoes (in their model of the world); i.e., "pace" their experience.
Through the skills of "pacing" another person's behavior, it is possible to graciously enter their unique personal reality and begin to understand their experience of the world.
One way to enter their reality is to mirror their external behavior. Mirroring is the art of utilizing your own physiology by matching it to another in order to gather information about their experience. The idea is to so closely share their behavior that we are not only acquiring information about the structure of their experience, but we are also becoming an unconscious and accurate source of feedback to them regarding their behavior. That is Rapport.
Rapport Comes from Pacing
The word pace is from the ancient Roman Goddess of Peace.
Pacing means experiencing another person's world by:
Matching their external behavior in as many ways as possible
Verbal language patterns, predicates, and key words
Posture, gestures, breathing, expressions, tonality, tempo, etc.
Matching their internal states and representations
Images, self-talk, emotional states, etc.
Matching/mirroring behavior increases understanding of another person's model of the world. Understanding and appreciating their world is basic to bridging worlds.
When we pace another person's reality the meaning usually given the communication is:
We know them and their world.
We respect and appreciate them and their world.
We value what they value.
We are "like them" and can be trusted.
When we do not pace their reality the meaning usually given the communication is:
We do not understand them and their world.
We are not interested in them.
We do not value what they value.
We cannot be trusted with their well-being.
Remember:
If you want understanding, you must first understand.
If you want acceptance, you must first accept.
If you want respect, you must first respect.
If you want someone to pay attention to you, you must first pay attention to them.
Pacing (Rapport) Techniques
Effective mirroring requires keen observation, behavioral flexibility, and practice.
To pace, one must mirror the other person in:
Posture
Gestures
Facial expression
Speech-tone, tempo, volume
Predicates and key words
Breathing
Beliefs and opinions
Pacing gives the other person:
A sense of speaking the same language
A sense of being on the same wave length
A sense of appreciation, harmony, and respect
A sense of credibility and trust
A sense of reduced resistance
Pacing gives us:
The opportunity to share another person's experience
Increased sensory awareness and flexibility
The opportunity to lead the interaction
"To act like one is to be one." - Lao Tzu
Learning to Pace
Pace one thing at a time (it's cumulative):
Mood
Posture and gestures/movements
Speech
Breathing
Beliefs/opinions
As you gradually move into someone else's reality, notice what you learn-about their world and about your world.
Once you have successfully paced a person's experience, it is possible to gradually lead them to new experiences of themselves. When you are in rapport, you can initiate behavior, and they will unconsciously pace you. This makes it possible to lead them from an experience they do not want to a new and more useful experience of themselves. The general "rule of thumb" is to pace three times and then lead.
Pace, Pace, Pace Lead
Both pacing and leading require behavioral flexibility.
Nonverbal Communications —
Behavioral Flexibility
Behavior is all of the things we do internally as well as what we do with our bodies that can be seen, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted. External behavior happens only in the moment and is the natural outcome of the internal behaviors.
External behavior can only occur in the present. Internal behavior can occur in all time frames-past, present, and future. Because of this, all we have ever been, and can imagine being, is available to us to expand our behavioral choices at any point in time.
Each time we step into the world of another, we have the opportunity to expand both their world and ours. The more flexibility we have, the more unlimited we are. To effectively step into another person's reality, and reliably affect their experience toward positive change, requires a high degree of behavioral flexibility. The first steps to acquiring that ability are to practice pacing (a lot!) and to become facile in all of the internal sensory systems.
One Cannot Not Communicate!
Functions of Nonverbal Communications
Helps clarify and expand verbal communication
Helps confuse verbal communication
Can substitute for verbal communication
Can complement, accent, and regulate verbal communication
What to notice about nonverbal messages:
Present in all communications
Means different things to different people
May be intentional or unintentional
Provides information about the sender
May contradict verbal message
May outweigh verbal message
Depends upon the total environment
May have positive or negative effects
Our effectiveness in communicating is directly proportional to our awareness of nonverbal communication.
Mirroring and Matching
There are basic sensory-based elements we mirror to establish rapport with another person.
Auditory Mirroring
Tone
Volume
Pitch
Body Mirroring
Posture
Gestures
Breathing
Space
Pacing (Mirroring and Matching) Works
Repeated studies show that 93 percent of the meaning of the communication depends upon the tonal/tempo qualities of how we physically deliver the information—the nonverbal behavior that accompanies the words.
Percentage of Communication
Body - 58 percent
Tonality - 35 percent
Words - 7 percent
Representational Predicates - The Words - The Conscious System
Another element in discovering how a person holds their map of reality together is to pay atten-tion to their language.
Their language will tell you what sensory system they are using to process their experience: "I see what you mean." "That clicked in." "Everything fell into place."
People use predicates or process words to communicate about their experience (their reality). If we pay attention to this information, we can "match" their process words in order to acquire rapport.
What many people want more than anything is for us to communicate with them in their language, within their model of the world. If we want to establish rapport and trust with someone, one of the things we do is "match" them, using the same words they use, with the same tonality, volume, tempo, etc. (an auditory anchor). Conversely, if we want to lose rapport, we can deliberately "mismatch" their words, tonality, etc.
Process words are organized into the same sensory system categories as other representations of internal experience.
Visual Auditory Kinesthetic Olfactory/Gustatory
perspective quiet touch taste
picture listen smooth stinks
look noise grasp pungent
vague say handle scent
focus talk firm odor
clear tone warm whiff
hazy harmony pressure relish
illuminate sounds tremble essence
scan orchestrate stir inhale
vision dissonance penetrate savor
bright clicked rough fragrant
lighten up resonates cold sweet
blank loud hard delicious
dark rings a bell fragmented bitter
imagine whispered tapped into breath of
clarify making music a weight lifted fresh air
colorful rumble solid sour grapes
pale roared blown away smell that

Nonsensory Predicates
There is another class of predicates called nonsensory-based predicates. These predicates do not reflect the representational system of the speaker. If you are uncertain of the other person's preferred system and you wish to learn what it is, you can use nonsensory-based words in your communications until you have determined their favored system.
Examples:
Think
Know
Understand
Remember
Consider
Believe
Learn
Suppose
If you lead with a sensory-based predicate, the other person may respond in your favored system rather than theirs, and you may have them in your model of the world instead of you operating in theirs. Being in your model of the world may be appropriate if you find it useful and are aware of the choice you are making.
The important thing is to use predicates consciously and purposefully.
Kinesthetic
"If it feels right, do it."
"I can't get a handle on it."
"Do you grasp the basic concept?"
"Get in touch with what you really want."
"I have a solid understanding of that now."
"I am up against a wall."
"From your standpoint..."
"You're such a soft touch."
Visual
"I see what you mean."
"That looks good."
"That concept isn't clear yet."
"I'm hazy about that."
"I have a new perspective on life."
"Well, I view it this way."
"It appears differently."
"That's a colorful example."
"That's an enlightening, insightful idea."
"I just went blank."
Auditory
"When you chimed in..."
"That rings a bell."
"That sounds good to me."
"Suddenly everything just clicked."
"Be quiet! I can't hear myself think."
"This idea's been rattling around in..."
"Something tells me to be careful."
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Sandra Vesterstein
Certified Master NLP Practitioner and Trainer, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Life Coach
Sandra Vesterstein is the founder of Pure Potential Coaching in Burlington, Vermont. With more than 20 years experience in business and coaching, she continually brings new inspiration to her clients and students through her signature Hybrid Coaching, which includes neuro-linguistics, hypnosis, Reiki, and DreamSculpting.
Her intuitive style and unique suite of holistic methods accelerate personal and professional growth more rapidly than traditional coaching. Sandra helps people communicate more clearly and effectively to instantly gain rapport with others. She assists individuals and families as well as clients in business, healthcare, athletics, education, and corrections. She also serves as a trainer for Bennett/Stellar University.
You can find out more about Sandra's work at www.PurePotentialCoaching.com.
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